Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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