My room smells like vodka and shame
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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