The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
