if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
