dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
