My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
