I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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