I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
