last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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