Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
