Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
