my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you didnt know i had herpes?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
