why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
so let's talk penis.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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