I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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