Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I wear drunk well.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
