i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
