When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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