My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Randomize
