Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
