I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
