i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
