I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Randomize
