Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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