whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
