I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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