His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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