Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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