Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
