when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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