Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
