woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
