youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
How's work?
Spinning.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
And then my night got REAL pukey
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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