I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Randomize
