would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
