I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
