I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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