Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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