Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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