thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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