wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
