hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
