i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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