Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
