when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize