soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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