u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
