Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
