Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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