Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
