i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
