Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
