$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
