I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
