I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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