Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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