he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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