They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
