Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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