I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize